Commander Keen in: Steam Dreams

I had the fortune of spending this Halloween rocking out at Hampshire College with some rad kids -- dope music, lots of fun. But just like every year, my big vision for a spectacular Halloween costume that makes everyone feel like -they're- under-costumed came down to the last 24 hours of earnest scrambling. But, forced to shit or get off the pot, I bought a pogo stick (rated for 50 to 80 lb. humans) for 3 dollars from some nice family who posted about kid's stuff on Craigslist, went to Salvo for some really tight nerdy jeans and a pink t-shirt, and sprayed a cap gun: Commander Keen, at yer service.

Of course, in addition to the curse of the last-minute costume, my other favorite Halloween syndrome is the ol' who-are-you-supposed-to-be?-oh -- no one apparently knows who Commander Keen is except me. Buncha amateur console gamers! Commander Keen, also known as Billy Blaze, was my idol at age 8 -- himself supposedly an 8-year-old genius who'd built a spaceship, the Bean-With-Bacon Megarocket, out of his brother's game joystick, his parents' car battery, his mom's vacuum cleaner, and his Dad's Everclear. He went to Mars and beyond kicking alien ass -- however, it turned out the aliens were being controlled by an evil human mastermind, teaching me a valuable lesson about fascism, social control, and the risks of using violence to solve your problems.

iD: Where's the new Keen game that's waiting to become a smash hit? Bring it on! Everyone else, you can relive the magic by purchasing the first 5 keen episodes on Steam. It's like 5 bucks. I remember pleading with my Dad to buy the first 3 for like 20 or 25 when I was 8! Think how much less begging will be required for you.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE: An interesting tidbit I just found on this nerdy-ass Commander Keen fansite, regarding the possibility of more Keen:

Tom Hall, being the great guy that he is, responded...telling me that with Wolf3D and Doom their plans just didn't materialize and that when he went over to work at Apogee that pretty much ended any chances of Keen 7 ever being made. He also went on to say that he loved working on the Keen games and would love to do more if he ever got the chance.

Well, I dediced I'd go ask John Carmack, who was still at id... He said that they would never make one now that Tom Hall was over at Ion Storm, but that they considered giving the rights over to Apogee while Tom was there....

After hearing that id almost gave the rights to make Keen games over to Apogee I felt it was my duty as a Commander Keen enthuist to tell Tom Hall about it. Well, I forwarded the email... from Carmack to him and...got a response ....along the lines of "Hmm.... interesting".

It's been about two years now since all that happened and so far nothing's happened. I've talked to Tom and he says that he's trying to get the rights to keen but id won't budge.

Come on, id! If this is still the deal, I exhort you to make some kind of arrangement with Ion Storm to allow Tom Hall to work with you, and get it done. Valve is getting ahead of you in variety and inventiveness of content: Commander Keen is a unique character who could enable a unique style of play. Keen 3D could be your Portal. And that pogo stick is so deeply badass. I think you know what the right thing to do is!